It got me thinking real hard

Thought provoking question by Anna yesterday when we were waiting for Thomson to come to the car in Nasmir..It got me thinking real hard.Below is the conversation we had,as far as i can remember..

"Sin Yee,dun u hv any probs in ur life?"

"sure got ah.." was my answer,i mean after all,who doesn't? "well..i juz finish my quiz,so waiting for result is a prob."

"Everybody faces tat la,we're all student ma,i mean probs as in some other probs besides studies." says Anna

"oh.."then i started thinking..

Actually i kinda noe wat was she refering to, she was talking bout her relationships prob, coz i tink she's feeling bothered by her feelings...her feelings for a guy..ahem..i shan't say anythin more,haha..

But anyway,wat was i gonna say again?
Oh ya..bout the question.
Of coz i got probs in my life!! Tons of them. They may not impact my life in a big way but they're still there~!! But i dun really hv girl guy relationship probs though, something i'm really really thankful about. Those can ruin ur life, as far as i noe.haha.
Am i abnormal? Or i juz dun find joy in hving crushes anymore.I'm weird,hands down.

I remember me n my friends used to check out n hv crushes on guys when we 1st started sec school (very few oni,since not many guys r worth it,haha). n along the years, the list grows longer very gradually, n finally,when i reach uni, the list just stop. Just like tat.Stopped.

Maybe bcoz it's no more fun anymore, most of my friends, roommates, r hving bf. They would not spend time discussing bout crushes. They'll oni bore me to death wit stories of their bf..on how adorable, thoughtful, sweet..etc etc..they r. Ayo-o-o-oh..!

But on the other hand, i've been too busy coping up wit my new life n studying tat i dun hv time to check out guys. haha. sad wei.. anyway, i'm happy just the way i am rite now,though i'l admit tat somtimes i do envy my friends,haha.But still, no guys prob, oni my daddy n my bros in my life, n a burning passion to serve God! Bliss.

Cheers.

Memorable 18th birthday!

12 Oct!! My birthday!!

Thought i was gonna hv a quiet birthday tis year.. It's the 1st time over the past 17 years of my life tat i didn't celebrate wit my family,didn't go out n hv a great dinner together n didn't buy a cake for celebration, i feel like i kinda broke the tradition.. NO amount of crying-under-blanket is gonna cure tis nostalgic feeling of mine.. haha, i didn't cry of course, jz feeling a huge pang of sadness somewhere in my heart.

But i didn't hv a quiet b'day though, my friends actually threw my a surprise b'day party.. It's kinda funny actually,haha.. Tis is how it happens....

**As i came bak frm a pleasant dinner wit my niece to Juru, one of my hsemates told me she wanted to get ice-cream frm cafe as she was feeling down. She wans me to teman her, (n i happily thought she's adapting to my way of curing down-ness,haha) so i agreed to follow her..
It was almost midnite, the perfect time for ice-cream ( according to Sin Yee,hehe ), so me n a few more hsemates went down wit her to get ice-cream.

Rite b4 we reach the cafe, she received a cal, then wrapped her arms around me n told me she wanted to tell me sth, her problem tat made her so sad. I was,of course, more tat happy to listen to her.. So,the other hsemates went in the cafe 1st, to get their 'ice-cream', n she took me on a tour, walking n talking..Saying tat she called the guy she had liked for many years n planned to confess her feelings for him n in the end she didn't do it..sth like tat la..

Anyway,after tat she receive another phone cal n after tat, turned to me "Lets go get ice-cream!". So she steered me bak to the cafe..

I was kinda speechless when my friends started singing b'day song as i entered the cafe. I never thought they would do tis 4 me!! n my hsemates tat has disappeared all days were also there. After the singing (Mark even brought a guitar along!), it all goes on like how a b'day party should be, the making of wishes, cutting of cakes, smearing of cream n taking of pictures!! Hehe.. All in all, it was enjoyable. (oh,n the stories my hsemates came up wit? It was jz to distract me coz the ppl in the cafe couldn't find the lighter! Oh man.. haha.. ) **

The rest of the day was great!! I had so much fun,ice-cream n chocolate tat i tink i need to go on diet,soon.Haha..Princess for a day. No,i'm always a princess in my daddy's eyes.. =>

Really really thank God for all my friends here in Aimst n everything He has done for me. I tink i'm beginning to like tis initially uncomfortable zone tat God has placed me in. I pray tat i'll be able to draw closer to Him as the days passes by n get to know n love Him more n more, each day more than the last, i also pray tat He'll mould me into the person He wans me to be n help me as i start embracing adulthood n take responsibilities for my action.Now i'm legal,haha. (Tat's wat my friends keep telling me, perhaps i was illegal b4 tis?)

I AM THANKFUL. =)

Ps: I'm 18!! 18!!

Oh God,help!!

Dear heavenly daddy,u noe wat i'm going through,pls help me,help me keep to my term 2 resolutions n cure me of msn-overdose.In Jesus name.Amen.

Why is tis happening?

Since i came to Aimst,there's been so many times where i've been so discouraged n frustrated wit myself..n i dun noe y..I've reach the lowest point of my spiritual life n i started get angry at God so easily n so often,which i dun normally do,i've been very contented n satisfied wit my life all the while,giving thanks to God durin my ups n even downs.But i dun noe y is it so different here.Is it bcoz i wasn't close to home?to my christian friends tat i'm familiar wit bak in Klang? Or is it bcoz i hv grown distant to Him due to my inconsistency in spending time wit Him?

I hate to admit it,but i really spend so much lesser time wit Him since i came here,i'm surrounded by friends/roommates all the time n when i'm not socializing wit them,i'll be studying,goin for sports,on the net n etc.

I wanna read my bible more,communicate wit Him more,but somehow most of the time i'd spend tat reserved-for-God 30mins to talk to my friends(or in bed -sleeping),it's just very difficult to resist tis coz they're ALWAYS around..All the time..There's no escape.

I've tried to go through a silent day(in which i wun talk unless really neccessary)so tat i could quieten myself for Him n Him alone,but somehow my friends will take it tat i'm being emo n tried to talk as much as possible to me,by evening,i would already start talking like i've er... recovered frm my emo-ness..

I do make it a point to go to prayer meeting n cf as frequently as i can,but most of the time,i feel like i talked to my christian friends more than i talked to God,i fellowship wit ppl around more than i fellowship wit God.It's like goin there to socialize or something n prayer n worship was oni part of the agenda.I dun like tis.God is supposed to be the center of it all,all the time,but i feel tat He is oni in the center at the moment of praise n worship or prayer.After prayer,ppl would put God at the back of their head n go into socializing mood,talkin,laughing n asking bout the most ridiculous stuff.Not to say tat tis happen all the time or blaming anyone for tis to be happening,but seriously,wat is our focus here?There r ppl who oni goes when there's friends goin,friends who told me tat if i go,then they'll go.Yes,the cf n prayer group seemed to be growing but is it for the right reason?N ppl join a church jz bcoz their friends is over there?Jessy told me she joined spcc bcoz she like the ppl over here.Hmm..Y isn't it bcoz of God?Isn't He supposed to be the main purpose we hv fellowship in the 1st place?I'm not trying to say tat fellowshipping is wrong,in fact,fellowship among believers is actually encouraged by God to strengthen each other in christ,but ppl jz do it for a different reason..

I find tis place strange n unfamiliar even after 4 months of trying to adapt to it.I may liked all my friends n all but my spiritual life is really er..in the sad state of rotting.I need to spend a one-to-one time wit God,jz me n Him,but i find it really hard to do it here,n spendin time wit Him in the midst of some believers has proved to be quite unfruitful too..

Catapulting my mind to the recent past..

OK..i had always needed prayers,i'll admit tat,but i can never ask somebody to pray for me.It's jz tat all through the years i'm growing up,i've build a wall surrounding me-me inside,world outside.There's always a barrier between me n others,i make a concious effort not to be too close,not to reveal too much,not to appear to be so vulnerable.Oni once did somone actually manage to break through and come in,n tat's oni once,i promise myself i would never let tat happen again,but on the other hand i promise her i would not rebuild tat broken wall n will tear down the remainder of it.I feel guilty,very guilty.But,i dun like to share the emotions tat i'm goin through,i may post it up in the blog,but i dun wanna link my blog to all my friends so fewer ppl could c it,sometimes i even considered not letting anybody in tis world noe bout its existence,i tink the oni time i put a link is oni on msn,n i noe tat many doesn't bother to come n see,so it's kinda safe..Anyway,it doesn't matter to me if ppl dun noe how i feel,i jz dun wanna let them noe.I've learn not to cry coz i always thought tat it's a sign of being defeated,although i did promise tat someone tat i would let myself cry when i absolutely needed it,but somehow it's hard.I like to bottle things up n it has been so natural tat i could jz smile when it's the last thing i wanna do in tis world,n jz a simple joking question of 'Yer..Why so fake one?' can make me cry so so badly, somebody actually noticed.Tat question has caught me off guard,it destroy the foundation of the wall n makes the whole thing tumbles..I felt so helpless..Anyway,tat was the past,no use in reflecting bak on it,or maybe God put all tis in my head suddenly bcoz He wans me to change,it's not gonna be easy.Not at all.

Doubts

I've been having doubts..I noe i'm not good wit the piano(chords) despite wat others say.They're most prob trying to encourage me or comfort me.I've been told like a thousand times tat i should serve in the music ministy tat sometimes i really believed it.Yesterday church nite was a complete disaster durin the jamming time,at least it is to me.I dun tink i wanna touch the keyboard ever again.I could serve in some other area.I should.

Disappointed n down

Wat are You doing wit my life?I noe U hv it in ur hands but wat r U doin wit it!?R U trying to cut part of my life away?Cut my ties wit the Breathren assembly?U wan me to focus more on the Kedah church or sth?Rather than always goin bak to join in the COPA IBA,IBA UNPLUGGED,or even a little footstool play.I've been very disappointed at wat U allowed happen,i dun understand U at all no matter how hard i tried,but i guess nbdy can..Hmph!!God Teruk!!
Tis is all too personal,i shouldn't post further..
Can't let emotions take control of me. Not yet.