Why is tis happening?

Since i came to Aimst,there's been so many times where i've been so discouraged n frustrated wit myself..n i dun noe y..I've reach the lowest point of my spiritual life n i started get angry at God so easily n so often,which i dun normally do,i've been very contented n satisfied wit my life all the while,giving thanks to God durin my ups n even downs.But i dun noe y is it so different here.Is it bcoz i wasn't close to home?to my christian friends tat i'm familiar wit bak in Klang? Or is it bcoz i hv grown distant to Him due to my inconsistency in spending time wit Him?

I hate to admit it,but i really spend so much lesser time wit Him since i came here,i'm surrounded by friends/roommates all the time n when i'm not socializing wit them,i'll be studying,goin for sports,on the net n etc.

I wanna read my bible more,communicate wit Him more,but somehow most of the time i'd spend tat reserved-for-God 30mins to talk to my friends(or in bed -sleeping),it's just very difficult to resist tis coz they're ALWAYS around..All the time..There's no escape.

I've tried to go through a silent day(in which i wun talk unless really neccessary)so tat i could quieten myself for Him n Him alone,but somehow my friends will take it tat i'm being emo n tried to talk as much as possible to me,by evening,i would already start talking like i've er... recovered frm my emo-ness..

I do make it a point to go to prayer meeting n cf as frequently as i can,but most of the time,i feel like i talked to my christian friends more than i talked to God,i fellowship wit ppl around more than i fellowship wit God.It's like goin there to socialize or something n prayer n worship was oni part of the agenda.I dun like tis.God is supposed to be the center of it all,all the time,but i feel tat He is oni in the center at the moment of praise n worship or prayer.After prayer,ppl would put God at the back of their head n go into socializing mood,talkin,laughing n asking bout the most ridiculous stuff.Not to say tat tis happen all the time or blaming anyone for tis to be happening,but seriously,wat is our focus here?There r ppl who oni goes when there's friends goin,friends who told me tat if i go,then they'll go.Yes,the cf n prayer group seemed to be growing but is it for the right reason?N ppl join a church jz bcoz their friends is over there?Jessy told me she joined spcc bcoz she like the ppl over here.Hmm..Y isn't it bcoz of God?Isn't He supposed to be the main purpose we hv fellowship in the 1st place?I'm not trying to say tat fellowshipping is wrong,in fact,fellowship among believers is actually encouraged by God to strengthen each other in christ,but ppl jz do it for a different reason..

I find tis place strange n unfamiliar even after 4 months of trying to adapt to it.I may liked all my friends n all but my spiritual life is really er..in the sad state of rotting.I need to spend a one-to-one time wit God,jz me n Him,but i find it really hard to do it here,n spendin time wit Him in the midst of some believers has proved to be quite unfruitful too..

Catapulting my mind to the recent past..

OK..i had always needed prayers,i'll admit tat,but i can never ask somebody to pray for me.It's jz tat all through the years i'm growing up,i've build a wall surrounding me-me inside,world outside.There's always a barrier between me n others,i make a concious effort not to be too close,not to reveal too much,not to appear to be so vulnerable.Oni once did somone actually manage to break through and come in,n tat's oni once,i promise myself i would never let tat happen again,but on the other hand i promise her i would not rebuild tat broken wall n will tear down the remainder of it.I feel guilty,very guilty.But,i dun like to share the emotions tat i'm goin through,i may post it up in the blog,but i dun wanna link my blog to all my friends so fewer ppl could c it,sometimes i even considered not letting anybody in tis world noe bout its existence,i tink the oni time i put a link is oni on msn,n i noe tat many doesn't bother to come n see,so it's kinda safe..Anyway,it doesn't matter to me if ppl dun noe how i feel,i jz dun wanna let them noe.I've learn not to cry coz i always thought tat it's a sign of being defeated,although i did promise tat someone tat i would let myself cry when i absolutely needed it,but somehow it's hard.I like to bottle things up n it has been so natural tat i could jz smile when it's the last thing i wanna do in tis world,n jz a simple joking question of 'Yer..Why so fake one?' can make me cry so so badly, somebody actually noticed.Tat question has caught me off guard,it destroy the foundation of the wall n makes the whole thing tumbles..I felt so helpless..Anyway,tat was the past,no use in reflecting bak on it,or maybe God put all tis in my head suddenly bcoz He wans me to change,it's not gonna be easy.Not at all.

Doubts

I've been having doubts..I noe i'm not good wit the piano(chords) despite wat others say.They're most prob trying to encourage me or comfort me.I've been told like a thousand times tat i should serve in the music ministy tat sometimes i really believed it.Yesterday church nite was a complete disaster durin the jamming time,at least it is to me.I dun tink i wanna touch the keyboard ever again.I could serve in some other area.I should.

Disappointed n down

Wat are You doing wit my life?I noe U hv it in ur hands but wat r U doin wit it!?R U trying to cut part of my life away?Cut my ties wit the Breathren assembly?U wan me to focus more on the Kedah church or sth?Rather than always goin bak to join in the COPA IBA,IBA UNPLUGGED,or even a little footstool play.I've been very disappointed at wat U allowed happen,i dun understand U at all no matter how hard i tried,but i guess nbdy can..Hmph!!God Teruk!!
Tis is all too personal,i shouldn't post further..
Can't let emotions take control of me. Not yet.

My Awesomenism baking experience!!

Things i thought was needed

THINGS I FORGOT I NEEDED..

Add egg into the batter!

Pour half,the other half mix wit cocoa =)

My family would hv doubt the cake

if they saw tis pic!haha..

My bro said it looked terrible..

Aww...I agree.. =S

Cake decoration!

God loves me!!

Yay!


-The end-

I've been meaning to blog tis the moment i finish my term 1,but i er...was preoccupied wit so many things,i forgot.
Ok..Lets see..
I felt very thankful tat God has blessed me abundantly during my term 1 here in Aimst.
I had fantastic hsemmates n roommates (seriously,how many roommates fight to cook 'maggi' for you,or make ur bed once in a while,hehe)
I had found n settled in a church tat i felt comfy in (most important of all is tat it's UR will for me to b where U wan me to be)^^I've been blessed wit good friends,friends tat builds me up. Friends tat helped me so so much, friends tat r so close they r like siblings to me, friends tat gave me so much encouragement n advice,especially the seniors, friends tat make me feel so welcome although i'm new, friends tat does crazy stuff to make ppl around them sane..