Catapulting my mind to the recent past..

OK..i had always needed prayers,i'll admit tat,but i can never ask somebody to pray for me.It's jz tat all through the years i'm growing up,i've build a wall surrounding me-me inside,world outside.There's always a barrier between me n others,i make a concious effort not to be too close,not to reveal too much,not to appear to be so vulnerable.Oni once did somone actually manage to break through and come in,n tat's oni once,i promise myself i would never let tat happen again,but on the other hand i promise her i would not rebuild tat broken wall n will tear down the remainder of it.I feel guilty,very guilty.But,i dun like to share the emotions tat i'm goin through,i may post it up in the blog,but i dun wanna link my blog to all my friends so fewer ppl could c it,sometimes i even considered not letting anybody in tis world noe bout its existence,i tink the oni time i put a link is oni on msn,n i noe tat many doesn't bother to come n see,so it's kinda safe..Anyway,it doesn't matter to me if ppl dun noe how i feel,i jz dun wanna let them noe.I've learn not to cry coz i always thought tat it's a sign of being defeated,although i did promise tat someone tat i would let myself cry when i absolutely needed it,but somehow it's hard.I like to bottle things up n it has been so natural tat i could jz smile when it's the last thing i wanna do in tis world,n jz a simple joking question of 'Yer..Why so fake one?' can make me cry so so badly, somebody actually noticed.Tat question has caught me off guard,it destroy the foundation of the wall n makes the whole thing tumbles..I felt so helpless..Anyway,tat was the past,no use in reflecting bak on it,or maybe God put all tis in my head suddenly bcoz He wans me to change,it's not gonna be easy.Not at all.